Breathe it in, the shit spewing out of the Oscar Snob’s mouth. They flap their gums about best motion pictures while working an entry level sales job in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. I don’t watch the Oscar’s to be given a tutorial on screen play adaptations, rather to watch the hottest people in the world for seven hours straight. It’s a nice escape watching these gorgeous humans parade around on the red carpet. The whole time knowing that they are better than everyone one of us. We visual ourselves giving the mindless responses to Joan Rivers questions. Then the flashbulbs crackle and snap us back to February in Wisconsin. We have no Vanity Fair party to attend. Only another Monday at our mundane jobs. Natalie Portman’s beauty taunts us and Jennifer Lawrence teases our dreams. We laugh at Mickey Rourke because his face has been ran through a kitchen blender. Twitter is abuzz with tasty jokes and quips about Joaquin Phoenix’s hair lip. It’s Oscar night. Suddenly, you quiver as you remember you are going to be subjected to this Oscar Snob’s smut during the tiresome acceptance speeches.
We all have our opinions on movies, actors, directors and even genres. I don’t want Zero Dark Thirty to win because I think the movie came out too soon after the covert black ops mission. That is it. I have no other opinion on the matter. I am not going to snobbishly say “well you know the lighting in the fourth sequence and the actors jaw line didn’t quite accurately reflect the mood.” I am an idiot when it comes to movies, however these snobs think they know better. They will go on to tell you what movie had the best soundtrack. Explaining which had the best underlying theme like Sophomore English teacher reading from Spark Notes. They ramble on and on about movies, and it is impossible to check their knowledge. Nobody knows, I don’t have a research paper or a pie chart to shove back in their face. You can’t sit there and tell me Les Miserable should win over Silver Lining Playbook because of the way the director zoomed in on Hathaway’s huge mouth in during her solo. No. Did you like the movie? Shut up. Did you like the movie? I always respond the same way. Did you like the movie?? I know, I know, you thought the lighting was better in Argo. I get it. What movie did you like better?? These people give me a headache.
I am not smarter than anyone when it comes to movies; nobody is in my mind. We aren’t part of the Academy. Accept it. I like crap. All my opinions are based off what I like, not, “what is critically acclaimed”. Here is some insight to my bullshit, I loved Lincoln and Argo. I didn’t care for Django Unchained, at all. Before you say anything I loved Reservoir Dogs and Inglorious Bastards. However, factor this in; I have seen Never Been Kissed and Drive Me Crazy like thirty times. I watch Shooter every time it’s on TNT. These things are all based on opinion. There are literally less facts to back up anyone’s movie argument than there is on religion. “Well of course Noah saved two of every animal, and of course Daniel Day Lewis should win for his portrayal of Lincoln. Both are just true.” Well actually, those aren’t facts, merely beliefs. There is less science backing up Lewis’s performance than that ‘great flood’ that covered the earth. However incredible he was in Lincoln, it isn’t a fact. At least Christians can point to the Bible as some kind standard.
These are the same people that will blabber on and on about how the best movie of the year was some foreign film. Then they are shocked you haven’t seen it. I love Hollywood, not Bollywood. Stop talking about the best movie to come out of Denmark. I don’t care about the Slumdog Millionaire of this year; I want to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s fat gut in The Master. The only reason these people saw these foreign films, is to tell you they saw them. Which is just the worst, no one cares. It’s not American, I don’t care. I would rather watch the sequel to Never Been Kissed, Still Not Kissed Yet, than something about a retired teacher in Austria (Amour).
I just want to have meaningless conversations about the Oscars with someone who gives less of a shit about the cinematography than me. Someone whom I can argue with about, basically nothing:
“Yes I know Helen Hunt was good in The Sessions, but who cares about Helen Hunt anymore. Unless you are talking about Twister, get out of my face. Even Mad about You was all Paul Reiser, you’re crazy.”
That is what the conversation should sound like during the Oscars, not about costume and make-up, but relevance to today’s society. That also goes for all the people that say the actor paid their dues and finally won an Oscar; this is big in Oscar Snob community. Actors should win their Oscar on based on that particularly performance, not overall body of work. If Leo didn’t perform good enough with that fake South African accent in Blood Diamond, then he shouldn’t have won. Save it for the bullshit “Lifetime Achievement Award”. I am not even sure what the Academy is doing anymore. There are nine movies up for best picture, if you bought tickets to all those it adds up to a mortgage payment. It’s gotten to a point where nothing is special and “everyone is a winner in my book”. Cut it to four of five pictures and then these snobs can offer some perspective. I almost feel like if you give me a book on New York Best Seller’s List I could turn it into a picture that will get nominated.
All I am saying is keep your opinions light when talking about the Oscars. You aren’t friends with Ron Howard; you grew up in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. You don’t know dick about story-lines and character development you’re an accountant. Stick to saying things like, “oh I really liked him in…” or “oh, I cried during…” and we will be fine. Nobody needs to hear about your love affair with the costume designer. Two things matter, did you like the movie? And did you like the movie? With all that said, here are my picks.
Best Movie: Argo
Best Actor: Bradley Cooper
Best Actress: Naomi Watts
Supporting Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Supporting Actress: Sally Field
Director: Steven Spielberg
Animated: I only saw Wreck it Ralph, so that should win.
Conch Potatoes 