Where Have All the Inventors Gone?

In the year 2013, I am still baffled by some of the basic every day tasks that still require an unnecessary amount of steps to complete. Seriously.

So what you’re telling me is we have the time to invent the Double Down, glue that can repair a hole in a parachute AND a bra that can triple a woman’s cup size, but still haven’t found an easier way to package and distribute CDs? I thought this was America. Here are some things I challenge, neigh, beg, someone to simplify (before I lose what little is left of my sanity).

CD Packaging
There’s nothing like the excitement of walking in to your local Target to pick up the latest, much anticipated, pop artist CD. You walk in smiling, hoping to bond with screeching tweens as you march side my side, hand in hand, skipping past the Home Goods section to the Music/Movies department all the way to the check out line. You pay, briskly walk back to your car, head buzzing with the excitement of the fresh synthesized tracks only to then spend 15 minutes trying to tear off the plastic wrapping because you ignored the “Pull Here” tab that everyone knows is ineffective anyways. As a last resort, you take the keys out of the ignition and use your sharpest key to scrape the plastic away while trying not to crack the case. To top it all off, you have to restart your car in a rage of shame and try to back out of your spot without running over an elderly person and/or toddler.

Hitting Cancel for Credit
How about instead I hit “Credit” to pay by way of my high interest, zero rewards back credit card. Instead it’s like answering Rumpelstiltskins’ riddles three just to pay for a 12 pack of La Croix. Oh and by the way, those “pens” are a joke. I’m convinced they were made as part of some social experiment to test who comes up with a solution to proceeding to the next screen faster, man or monkey (my money is on Diddy Kong).

Can Openers
Shouldn’t all cans just be pop tops by now? Even the electric ones are a crock of shit. I‘m just bitter because I still can’t use the one at my parents’ house that they’ve had for at least 10 years.

Moisture Needed Envelopes
Now that we have the technology to make self adhesive envelopes, why go backwards? On behalf of interns everywhere, exterminate all envelopes requiring any sort of moisture adhesion.

Salting Movie Theater Popcorn
I don’t understand how these bow tie wearing teenage movie theater employees expect me to get my properly balanced salt  to Sour Patch Kids ratio on when they give me an overflowing bucket of yellow goodness and expect me to somehow manage equal sodium distribution. The best I can do is salt the top like a Senor Frogs margarita. Cut me some slack here and throw some salt on that bitch half way through.

Receipts for Non-Refundable Items
No mam, I don’t need a 12 inch scroll of a receipt that lists my $13 Taco Bell order with a customer service poll on the bottom for a chance to win a $100 Itunes Gift Card. I think I’ll pass on the paper reminder of my rock bottom life status, thanks though. It’s not really something I care for my work carpoolers to find shoved under the seat next to the empty McDonalds bag and Starbucks cup.

Scraping Off an Iced Car
… it’s too soon to talk about this one. You either get it or you don’t.